I had another one last night…you know, when there is ringing in the emptiness of your home, when the darkness outside the window flattens your world. You know, the time when the aching silence within you creates an orb of pointlessness that paints even the walls. These are not times to make decisions or catalogue your failures or feel what’s wrong with your life. These are times to let pass. This is one of the greatest strengths that yoga fosters: the ability to stay patient until the inevitable darkness passes.
I cannot regret what I am. I tumble into darkness. It is one of my greatest strengths. My life has upended me many times and in many ways. I know intimately the emptiness that can turn toward darkness in a flash. This is the legacy of having survived so much trauma. But this emptiness is also the source of my compassion. It helps me feel and appreciate the suffering of others. It also shows me how to be of service.
My yoga practice does not eliminate my late night episodes. I am not a happy camper in every moment of every day….thank goodness, that would be incredibly annoying. I do not pretend or intend that I am upbeat all the time either. In a relatively consistent fashion, my life is hard and demanding and sometimes my work even feels hopeless. Yoga does not change these ebbs and flows, these ups and downs. I would not want it to. I am here to work with life, all of it; or at least, at much as I can. Yoga helps me stay grounded and patient as the wolves in me howl. The howls are necessary and important but they must pass. I must know when the howls are turning destructive. I must know when to sleep and trust that the next day starts over again.
Somehow yoga helps me with all of this. It opens me to a wider spectrum, not just of who I am; but more importantly, of what I am. Yoga miraculously connects me to an unforgettable fire (Thank you U2 for putting those two words together.). This fire precedes everything and is a constant within our experience. The howls come and go, but the fire is unforgettable….unforgettable exactly because it is invisible, unforgettable because I cannot touch it. It does not fade. It is utter in its directness. This paradox could only be revealed to me through my yoga practice. It does not make sense to my brain, but it settles through my body and spine. The unforgettable fire is felt.
I wish for you to know this unforgettable fire. Happy Memorial Day…may your losses reveal to you all of your strengths.